Rubah Beternak

 But who says we never knew the ending? Today it’s a cozy cottage with a lovely scent of boiled soup, the creaks on the floor as we step on the wooden floor, and the sunshine creeping from the untightly woven walls. But we know how it will end; fire and scorching sunlight. But your hands are still warm on my face, and your lips still kiss my tears away. I whispered an unspoken ‘I love you’ to your ears, and you answered with “I know” because you have said the exact same phrase unwaveringly for the past years and I know better than to question. The question “ Why? ” soared in my mind. But do I have the right to question when I still long for your love and your hold still shut me up? “Do you still remember how this will end?” slipped on my tongue after we turned our kid to sleep. The candlelight flickered on your face as you looked at me with your ever-loving eyes. “Yes. And does it matter?” And I wanted to say, “Yes”, but you blew the candle away and pulled me into your arms in the ...

 Dear future lover, I don’t know if my future has a ‘you’ in it, but if it has, may I ask why ? Do you enjoy it when I treat you coldly? My own brother told me I am a cold person, feelingless, no warmth, and really bad at words of affirmation. Do you enjoy it when I dismiss your lovely gesture? I know for a fact that I am really bad at reading social cues, and even if you said it clearly to me, I might shut down and not reply accordingly. Dear future lover, Is there a place we have gone to yet? Have I told you I hate scouts and camping? If I haven’t, maybe it’s a surprise to you. Please don’t give me anything scout related, I might burn it when you don’t see. Sorry, I am this selfish person who could not tolerate scouts. Disappointing? Maybe you should run now. Have I brought you to a date to a museum, a graveyard, or a palace? Have I asked you to watch a historical movie with you yet? Have I ignored you the entire time I was indulged in those things? Are you disappointed yet? Mayb...

  I am sick right now. I think I have vertigo. I hope a change of pillow would help. Last night my highschool friends attended an event. I didn’t come. I never will, but I did consider it. I opened the group chat. Someone I wish disappeared from my sight was attending. That makes me feel better about my decision. I was supposed to have a group project today. I didn’t do my part. I was almost fainting yesterday, and I screamed everytime I changed my position. The plan was canceled, and almost no one could attend. It was 2PM and I decided to do my part. I opened Google Drive. Apparently no one had done their part either. …Huh. I wanted to go to the doctor. But it was the weekend, and two days from now is a national holiday. No BPJS-funded clinic will be open. I groaned. I can’t afford 100 thousand rupiah per medicine. My parents said they wanted to come here. I said don’t. Mostly because I was in terrible shape, but I told them I would be away too many times to spend time with them. ...

  “Siapa yang akan meratap di pemakamanmu?” pertanyaan itu kadang-kadang menggaung di otak saya. Meskipun saya tidak ingin seorang pun bersedih karena kehilangan saya, atau saya ragu bahwa akan ada seseorang yang merasa kehilangan saya, kadang-kadang pertanyaan itu muncul di kepala saya. Mungkin keluarga saya akan sedih. Dan mungkin teman-teman dekat saya akan sedih. Entahlah. Saya lebih suka untuk tahu bahwa tak satupun dari mereka akan merayakan kematian saya ketimbang mereka bersedih atas kematian saya. Saya hampir tidak pernah punya impian dalam hidup saya, kecuali mimpi-mimpi tentang menjadikan budaya Indonesia mendunia dan menjadikan negeri ini lebih layak huni bisa dianggap sebagai impian. Bagaimanapun juga, itu harapan-harapan yang dimiliki tanpa pernah diusahakan untuk diwujudkan. “Hidup itu sulit” kata saya pada diri sendiri beberapa waktu lalu. Saya tidak pernah tahu kapan saya akan pergi. Kapan kesempatan akan datang. Dan kapan kemalangan akan menghampiri saya. Siapa or...