Vertigo

 I am sick right now.

I think I have vertigo. I hope a change of pillow would help.

Last night my highschool friends attended an event.

I didn’t come. I never will, but I did consider it.

I opened the group chat.

Someone I wish disappeared from my sight was attending.

That makes me feel better about my decision.

I was supposed to have a group project today.

I didn’t do my part.

I was almost fainting yesterday, and I screamed everytime I changed my position.

The plan was canceled, and almost no one could attend.

It was 2PM and I decided to do my part.

I opened Google Drive.

Apparently no one had done their part either.

…Huh.

I wanted to go to the doctor.

But it was the weekend, and two days from now is a national holiday.

No BPJS-funded clinic will be open.

I groaned.

I can’t afford 100 thousand rupiah per medicine.

My parents said they wanted to come here.

I said don’t.

Mostly because I was in terrible shape, but I told them I would be away too many times to spend time with them.

I wanted to cry and weep for them.

But I would only get them worried. And they would scold me. It would only make my headache worse.

But I really wish I had someone to talk to. Who doesn’t make me cry when they scold me for getting sick. Who would take care of me. Who would pay for my medical bill. Maybe it’s more of the last part.

My friends are telling me to go to the doctor.

But the last time I went with BPJS covering my bill, the doctor was not nice, at all. He wanted me to be gone quickly.

Before that the doctor told me that I was “probably just stressed out”. Well, I know, but how to fix it?

The other time the doctor suspected me of being pregnant; I was having a month long period, ma’am. I believe that’s none of the pregnancy symptoms.

The other time another doctor also suspected that I was pregnant. I am pretty sure it was a gastrointestinal problem considering I didn’t eat for more than 24 hours.

Is there any way I could get affordable, proper, medical treatment?

This time, I genuinely believe that death is the answer.

But I didn’t want to die, yet.