I Own It. I was an Asshole. But That Doesn't Mean You are Innocent.

 Hello, I am writing this because I am trying to write about a toxic relationship.

It was about… someone who… well, I actually have no idea how to explain it. But basically, A and B are dating, B was nice to A, then they slowly become toxic. In a way that B kept dismissing A’s feelings. And they gradually become distant. But they did not break up. I need to say that towards the end of the relationship B is still trying to be nice to A by love bombing(?) them, like, doing things that make A remember how much they enjoyed spending time with B.

My problem with this is… I always cut off… toxic people? Sometimes I wonder if that makes me toxic too? Because I am so easy to detach emotionally. I don’t know. So I just… can’t… understand why A could not cut B’s off even though I have made it clear that B sometimes still acts sweet.

So I… am going to write about you again. Someone who I perceived as toxic. Maybe I am the toxic one in this relationship. I know I have hurt you. I do think it’s necessary, though. Because I am much happier now without you. But, I need to tap back into the memory of you so that I could write this…? Although, I think, since neither A and B shared our personality type, I think it wouldn’t help much? But let’s do a bit of nostalgia.

I forgot like 60% of our interactions already, but maybe I can write a gist of it?

I think… I—wait, I don’t remember you, let me just… remember a bit…—I think I met you during the time where I was so desperate to be someone’s friend? I think it’s not even the right phrase, because I'm never really desperate to be anybody’s friend. I think the right phrase was, “really desperate to fulfill my mother’s wish” which was, having a lot of friends. Do you know why? Because I never really cared about making friends. But I care about doing what makes my mother happy. This makes… it sadder, isn’t it? I am so sorry this is how you find out.

Basically, I read somewhere that if you show interest in someone’s interest, they would open up with you and want to be your friends. So, I decided to do that. To be someone’s friend—Oh my God… I finally realized how cruel it was—. And… and it works. Maybe a little bit too effective, because you had a crush on me because of that. I am so sorry, I didn't really care about the Sultan you were talking about, or about World War 2, or about Nazi. I… I couldn't care less, actually. I think… I was more challenged by the fact that you know more than me than I care about your interest. I… I am so sorry. I know that I lead you on. But I was desperate to have friends—no, wrong. I was desperate to fulfill my mother’s wish that I make new friends. I will own it, though. I am a terrible person.

Oh my God, I need to apologize, didn’t I? I am so sorry.

I think the fact that I did not say anything when people tease us was making it worse. But, in my defense, they would tease us either way. And I found it energy-draining to deal with them. I should have pushed you further. But, since you were one of the friends that I have made, I didn’t really want to push you. Because at that point, I was already too exhausted to make new friends. I am so sorry that you were just a point I kept. I am sorry.

Anyway, I don’t really remember the rest of the story of us, but I think at some point, you exhaust me. Because, first of all, I did not really care about you. Second of all, you were high maintenance. Why the heck were you upset that I want to spend more time with my family rather than texting you?...................and I don’t remember what else you did that I decided that I don’t want to spend more time with you anymore? But, basically, I think you drain me emotionally.

I don’t remember what happened. But I think, you drain me emotionally → you didn’t get the memo and keep pushing yourself onto me → I feel bad → you drain me emotionally again → cycle happened several times → at one point I got tired and decided to block all of your socials.

Explaining it like that makes me seem like the villain, and I won’t argue, I am. But let me break down things that I remember you did that makes me uncomfortable :

You did not care when I told you I don’t want to be in a relationship and OUR God told us to stay away from dating. You keep insisting and hinting that you want a relationship, which I could not give. Because it’s against God.

You blame me for your poor health. In my own defense, it was not my intention to make you suffer when I don’t want to reciprocate your wish to be in a relationship. Your health is your own responsibility. It was not my fault if you can’t sleep, or if you pull an all-nighter to do well on an exam, or if you forget to eat, or if you cry a lot. None of that are my responsibilities

You talked about us as if we are dating. We are not. You burden me with gossip, which I don’t really want to address because it would use more of my emotional energy. And I don’t have plenty.

You hallucinate too much about us. And you threw too many tantrums. Too sensitive. And I don’t want to hear that you jack off last night, nor do I want to hear what your friends said about my body. That’s sexual harassment.

It’s fucking weird when you are getting jealous when I talk to your friends. First of all, we are not dating, second of all, I am only talking to them because I needed to. Neither of us are flirting. So what are you on about?

Also, I don’t like that you bring your friends into……………… giving me notes about how miserable you are because of me. Poor them, I must say. Being drained by your unstable emotion. Poor me too. But poor them more because they did not sign up to be your emotional trash can.

In conclusion, you are draining me.

This did not help my case to write a toxic relationship where they can’t detach from each other, because I detach myself easily from you. Alas. But, like, I will admit it, I led you on, I was terrible, but you were… also weird. So, yeah. Both of us are wrong, alright?