Men

 I’ve always been scared of people. And lately, my worries have shifted more heavily towards men.

It’s probably the media that keeps exposing me to men's bad behavior. To how even the closest men in our lives could harm us—could kill us. It’s probably how the media keeps showing me how boyfriends killed their girlfriends for trying to break up with them, how husbands killed their wives for money, how fathers abuse their daughters. It’s how often news tell stories about online dating gone wrong, how there’s a probable chance of getting kidnapped, raped, and killed when you choose the wrong person.

It’s probably also because of my own experience. How I need to ignore people whistling and calling when I walk. How some of them get upset when they get ignored. How I need to bear sexist remarks because I am way younger and I should not talk back to the elderly. How I need to tell them “No” several times and even that isn’t guaranteed to stop them.

I don’t go out often, and when I do, I would tell the people I trust where I am going, update them every several hours, where I am going, who I am going out with, sharing my friend’s contacts just in case, and when I will go home.

Don’t go out too late, who knows what’s lurking in the dark. Share your current location so we can track you down if we lost contact. Watch your step, someone might follow you home.

I am scared. And while people might say I am paranoid, am I one to blame?

I’ve learnt not to be “too” kind to men because they might get it wrong and then get upset when I don’t want to be their partner. As short and concise as possible. And if it needs to be long, say it as formally as possible so they know it is business. Don’t answer too fast, they might think you are waiting for their response. Don’t be too playful, if you’re not interested in them cut the conversation short.

I resorted to never interacting with them unless really needed.

I wonder if men ever have the same problem. The same worries. That they might get kidnapped. That they might be raped. That they might be killed. Just because they walk alone in the street. It doesn’t even need to be at night. Anytime.

And I must be lying if I say I don’t get jealous when they say they aren’t.

I used to want to get married when I was a child. Sure, birthing a child is scary as f, but it’s not like I need to have a child, right? But as I grow older I get more scared of getting married. What if I marry the wrong guy? What if he is abusive? What if he disregards me? What if all I am to him is a maid and his bloodline continue-er? What if he always needs to be baby-ed and always pretends like he can’t do a simple task? What if he doesn’t even consider me as someone who’s at the same level as him? What if he is upset when I earn more? What if he doesn’t like that I want to pursue higher education? What if his family is patriarchal-heavy and he has the same mindset? What if he cheats? What if he refuses to provide for our family? What if he is immature and it would feel like raising a big baby? What if he is so emotional that he wouldn’t hear for reasons?

I don’t need my heart to be hurt when I get home after a long day, but what if he is simply an asshole? Life would be torture if that happens. Do I even need to get married? Isn’t it simply a gamble? It would be nice if I got the right person, but what if I don’t? I might be dead because I chose the wrong answer. Isn’t it better to just stay like this right now if the other option might lead to death?

I’m scared of men. And thus I decided to be careful when falling in love. Or probably don’t fall in love at all. Don’t get attached. You know what people do when they are drunk in love. Bad decision, that’s what it is. So don’t. Are there even good men out there besides your family? How do you know they are not faking? Are you sure they are not just roping you into thinking they are good when actually they are just manipulative, gaslight, and simply a narcissist? You saw what they say in the media. You don’t want to be one of them, right? 

I’m scared of men. Do men ever get scared of women? I must be lying if I say I don’t get jealous when they say they aren’t.