Longer than 40 Days

“Can you please not stop existing?”

She said in a sorrowful voice. It was the funeral of her last relatives. And now, the only person she has in her life... is me.

I stared at her—my beautiful, beautiful goddess. Her eyelashes fluttered with tears on it. She had cried all day ever since she heard of the horrible news. It pierced my heart to saw how much she suffered of loss one after another.

She stopped her cries solely to appear in the funeral with no wails; something that’s considered rude in our culture.

But her hands trembled on her purse strap. And the light of her eyes dimmed. She no longer shines better than the sun like the person I used to know—she looks like she could collapse anytime if I don’t pay attention.

“Can you please… keep stand by my side?”

Her voice edged. Almost like she is pleading.

I know well that I can’t promise something like that but…

“Okay”

…I promised her anyway.

I died.

It was an unfortunate accident. One that’s too horrible to talk about.

In the end, I know that I shouldn’t’ve made that stupid promise.

The next time I opened my eyes, I saw her next to my casket. Wailing in the most painful note I have ever heard.

She has… probably hold too much wails and now her walls finally broke down to remember the courtesy.

I tried to touched her—like I always did when she lost someone she loved. Comfort her with words and hugs. Letting her cry wet my shirt until she is done.

But she cries for my death. And my touch could no longer find her.

They held my funeral. And even then, her sobs still couldn’t stop.

Whispers were heard. Oh, how dare them. Don’t they know how much she had hold all these sorrows?

But they don’t know—of course they don’t know.

Right now, she had lost every single person in her life.

She is alone.

I cursed myself to be dead. My, how could I be so careless? How dare me leaving her alone despite knowing the situation?

But no matter how much I despised the situation, my body had lying dead on the ground. And nothing I pitied could bring my soul back to my body.

They said the spirit of the dead would disappear 40 days after their death.

Strangely, those days had gone since long. And I still hang around in her life—restrained to stuck with her within 5 meters.

Is it because of my promise to keep being by her side?

It pains my non-existent heart to see how she tries to went about her day. How she wakes up 7 in the morning and stares at the now-empty my side of the bed. How she struggled to remind herself that now she would only make a breakfast for one instead of two. How she reads my book collection to find my fragments inside of them.

Has she always been this desperate before or is it because she no longer had anyone for her?

The last light she had on her eyes disappear completely. Filled with void and hollowness.

She is no longer the goddess that I knew. She is this broken vase that’s trying to hold herself but fail.

She no longer opened the curtain to see the sun setting like we used to do. She closed it down because just seeing the sky turn red makes her sobs.

Sometimes during the painful session, I cursed myself to never gave her a child—a son, a daughter, whatever—to replaced me to be her rock.

I have always seen her as a strong woman after she had lost so much. But I guess in the end, she is still someone who mourns and shed a tear. Still someone who needs a place to leaned on and comforts offered.

It’s been days since the last time she went outside.

The curtains were closed, the doors were stay unlocked but unopened. And the lamps have never been turned on for days.

I could hear the neighbors started to question her disappearance. She always greeted her everyday anyway, despite the limpy and tired looks on her face.

Inside the house, she often gazed blankly at every corner of our house. The flowers she used to take care of now have withered. It’s been long since the last time she watered them. Often times, she sobs over her incompetence to take care of such a small being. But she forgets that she also no longer taking care of herself.

She has grown thin and pale. Spending her days crying herself to sleep. Almost starved herself due to lack of digesting.

If only I still have my tear duct, they must be empty right now for seeing her state. I really wished I could be there for her, taking care of her, and remind her how much she is loved.

I hate… not being there for her despite being here.

My lingering existence in this world is… clinging to the fact that I promised her that I would stay by her side.

That means, if she is gone…

I usually getting bored hanging around in this place. Not being able to touch nor interact with anything.

I usually entertain myself by watching her everyday work. Making coffee, getting back from work, eating…

Today, like I usually do, I walked around our house within the five meter distance that attached me to her. Watching bubbles going up from the oxygen machine in the aquarium tank that’s filled with my goldfish—the only living being that she takes care better than any other things.

Jerry—the goldfish’s name—‘s eyes bobbed. He swam around awkwardly in his tank. Probably wishing for someone to gave him food—man, how greedy.

I tapped on the tank—hypothetically, I can’t touch it technically. The goldfish goggedly started to eat the decoration stones and vomit them again, looking confused. Something that he never seems to learn as I already saw him did that seven times in the last 3 hours.

I heard the bedroom door got opened. That’s how I know that she has get out to feed Jerry.

She went passed me—something that I will never get used to—and grabbed Jerry’s food from beside the aquarium table.

She poured it once, twice, thrice… Hey, that’s too much!

She gazed at the goldfish that ate his food happily. God, this gluttonous fish…

“Jerry, please forgive me, won’t you?” she whispered in a low voice. Touching the aquarium tank.

I stared at her. Forgive her for what?

She walked away from the tank and went back to our room. My gaze followed her steps and—oh. Oh no.

Hanging from the ceiling, a rope in a shape that I don’t like to see. Is this why she taken way too long inside before?

No no no.

I froze as I watched her stepping on the chair under the hanging rope. I tried to reached out with my keep-passing hands. Knowing that it is useless.

I cried her name. Trying to speak some sense into her. But nothing gets into her ears.

She kicked down the chair and the rope tightened on her neck.

Desperately, I tried to untie the rope. And look for help. Crying out her name and even begs Jerry for help.

All of sudden, all I could hear is the lasting beat of her heart. Ringing on my ears.

I listened to them restlessly as they faded away and… eventually… they stopped.

Along with my presence in the world that we used to live together. 

05.06.2022